Just some Rocks?

I made this before I drew it. I mean I actually stacked these rocks first. I was outside screwing around with them, moving them around, turning them over, trying to find that one spot where one would sit on the other without the whole damn thing falling over. Eventually they stayed.

I took a picture because I thought it was pretty cool. Later I sat down and drew it. There wasn't some deep meaning behind it at the time. I wasn't thinking about TBI or recovery or any of that shit. I was stacking rocks. But I've been looking at the drawing again lately and, well, there it is.

That's me.

Some days I have this thing balanced pretty damn well. I can work, write, think, get things done and almost forget there's anything different about me. Then something moves. Maybe I didn't sleep enough. Maybe I spent too much time on the computer. Too much noise. Too many conversations. Maybe I just used more brain than I had available that day. And suddenly the balance is gone.

For a long time I think I kept trying to put everything back where it used to be. That's probably the best way I can explain it. I wanted my old balance back. I'm finally figuring out that isn't how this works. You have to move the rocks.

You try something different. You take something off. You put something somewhere else. Sometimes you leave the whole damn pile alone for a while and come back tomorrow. And somehow you find another way to make it stand.

That's probably what recovery has been for me more than anything else. Not getting back to the person I was. Learning how the person I am now balances. And looking at this thing, I kind of love that it looks like it could fall over.

Because it could.

But it hasn't.

It's still standing.

So am I.

Project TBI